What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 16:32
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ive learnt so much.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Why did i forgive my father ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
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Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
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I could never make a relationship work though!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
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My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So, i spoilt her more .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I waited trembling.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She loved him until the end.
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I don,t even have a pension.
Who then, do I blame.?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I think the readers, may guess!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
All the time i was locked up.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I was 9 years of age.
We were not on the streets..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And i lived it daily.
My life is so biszare .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I said to her
Especially a lifetime of it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I was scared of men, in general
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i do to all so called friends.?
Put me off passion for life!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I will be 64.
It was going to be , some day.
But it wasn’t much.
Would this be the day?
Im still living with it.
When she asked me how she looked .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
He knew the spot.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Was to survive, this bastard.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My family never makes their pension either.
She wouldn,t have been !
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I never cut or harmed myself..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So whats the point in blame.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
I have no regrets .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She was in good health!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him